It has been gnawing at me all night, since 3 pm yesterday afternoon when I read the headlines from Yahoo: Heath Ledger dead at 28.

I don't exactly know why it bothers me that Heath Ledger is dead. But when I saw the headline earlier today at work, some weird kinda chill ran down my spine... Some, slow shock seemed to set up inside me & gestate. Til it got me out of bed at 4 am to write this down.

I certainly didn't know Heath ledger. I am not even really a fan of his. I am only peripherally aquanted with some of his work, his best film, "in my opinion" being the 1999 hit movie "Ten things I hate about you".

What seems to baffle me all the more with this strange fascination of mine that Heath Ledger is dead was that I didn't particularly like... Nor did I dislike his film roles & talent. He just seemed to be a good looking, talented, easy going, likable, young person that has been working in the Hollywood shuffle for many years. A solid worker, a continuous worker... making movies, plying his trade... working his craft.... some movies were cooler than others, some were bigger... but never seemingly breaking through enough. (Ya I know Broke back mountain earned him an Oscar nomination & was thought of as HIS big break through flick... But I think mostly because of Freakdom reasons.. Not actual, great moviemaking. But hell, I never saw the movie so I can't truly say). He seemed to have left behind quite a body of work... Nothing embarrassing or to be ashamed of... and nothing earth shattering either... Just a solid stream of work for over a decade.

So why does Heath Ledgers death seem to bother me so, when I knew so little of him & his work? Because maybe I am starting to wonder if my very innocuous thoughts of Heath Ledger as an actor, as a person, as a show biz personality, as just a human being in general.... these very basic, plain, yet, positive thoughts of Heath Ledger..... MIGHT have been the very reason he died. Maybe, I wonder, did Heath Ledger feel this same way about himself? Was he so Dissatisfied with his career?... His life so far?... Was he so sad & lonely that at such a young, hopeful age, with the world seemingly at his feet, he would just fucking up & OD on drugs? Or am I reading to damn much into all of this & it was just a stupid miscalculation on his part. Bad luck. Bad timing. Bad drugs?

Maybe Hollywood truly is full of nothing but Blood Sucking, Soul Stealing Vampires & Leeches that suck the very Marrow from the bones of the young & the Beautiful & then leave them to die once there is nothing left to milk from the still living host. To discard people... To use people... To Confuse people. Is this truly the Hollywood way? Or is this simply... Life's way?

Why would someone, who appeared to have his head screwed on straight, who had what appeared to be a very decent & long career in show biz waiting in the future for him... How would someone like this.... end up, ALONE & OD'ing on drugs? Why? How does shit like this happen? That's what keeps Echoing in my brain.

Is it all just an Illusion? Is anyone ever really happy? Or do we all just paint on these faces & go about our days... days filled with Quiet desperation, Solitude, Tragic loneliness & confusion... Days, weeks, years spent silently screaming from within to get me out of here... For someone to tell us that it is all going to be alright... for someone to understand us.. that it all becomes to much to bear... the heartache... the thoughts of being a failure... That why would I think that life should be any different for a Hollywood actor? Even for the still young & gifted, like Heath Ledger was. Did he die of quite desperation? The drugs being of course just a symptom... NOT the Ailment... But never the less, the symptom that KILLED him.

So bloody fucking tragic. I guess what disturbs me the most is that maybe I keep thinking.... If a guy like him couldn't find peace & happiness at his level of accomplishment in life at his age... Then how the fuck can a smuck like me, or anyone of us regular people ever expect to find happiness?

I guess what it all ever boils down to, what truly matters, IS .... OURSELVES.... How things effect US.... & then, how we deal with these things that effect us. And for some sad, strange reason, Heath Ledgers Death truly seems to sadden me... To bother me... To scare me... To make me want to just shake my head & cry & wonder.... What the fuck is going on around here? Is anybody ever, truly happy? Am I so nieve to be still clinging on to false childhood hopes of My dreams coming true & finding happiness for the rest of my life? I'd like to think not..... I still believe that I can make MY dreams still come true!

But I am greatly saddened by Heath Ledgers death, because it seems like such a WASTE! So much more life was left in him, so much more to do... Or am I wrong? Obviously I am. That was his life. It ended yesterday... All alone in a room in New York... With a damn fuckin drug overdose! So very stupid... So very sad.

I guess what freaks me out a little as I have been feeling so very disconnected lately with life.... with humans... with myself.... that twice in the last 2 weeks I seemed to have been drawn to this Heath Ledger movie from 2006 called "Candy" that was playing on cable. It was a love story about 2 young junkies where of course everything goes wrong & our hero ends up all alone in the end. I thought it was a good role... A decent movie.... a quirky lil independent film.... a sad story... I thought it was dark & edgy & kinda dangerous for a nice, clean cut actor like Heath Ledger to take on the role of a junky loser.... Maybe, just maybe... The poor fucker wasn't really acting as much as I thought?

Remember people... Life is short.... Its up to YOU.... to live your dreams... NO ONE else can do it for you. Just make sure you think real long & hard as to what YOUR dreams truly are?

Rest in Peace Heath Ledger,
Keep on living all you good people out there.
Craig Amabello

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